For years, tactically-minded carnivores have been begging KnivesShipFree Research & Development to blend two great tastes: tactical knife design and kitchen cutlery. At long last Head Researcher (and, if rumors are to be believed, shortlist nominee for the Nobel Prize in Physics) J Rouch has delivered, with the Laser-Guided Steak Knife (LGSK), a culinary tool that beefs up its blade with mil-spec tactical tech.
“For any enthusiast of modern tactical knife design, the average steak knife is, frankly, prehistoric,” Rouch tells us via secure telecom call from the off-shore KSF Research Facility. “We don’t fight with sticks and stones anymore, or ride around on sabertooth tigers; so why are we still cutting our dinners like cavemen?”
The beating heart of the LGSK is its Gourmet Guidance Module, a blade side-mounted, microcomputer-controlled laser sight that pulls and analyzes hundreds of factors – meat density, grill temperature, local humidity levels, seasoning distribution, and more – to guide each cut with utmost precision. “For years, we’ve heard the phrase ‘think twice, cut once,’” Rouch says. “But, when it comes to food we shouldn’t have to think even once!” With the line drawn so to speak, the hand-honed STK-20V steel blade will follow the guidance of the Module, resulting in top-tier cuts every time.
“The LGSK has a full tang handle,” Rouch adds. “Full of technology, that is!” Inside the exquisite contours of the LGSK’s grip lie its impressive wireless array. Dual-band Wifi, a Bluetooth 6.1 transmitter, and even AM and FM radio (with a FREE 6-month Sirius XM trial) allow the LGSK to communicate with virtually every device and appliance in and out of the home. “Imagine shaving prime rib with scientific precision all while listening to your favorite episode of Howard Stern,” Rouch says. “Or being able to send a group text to your entire family the moment their steak has reached its perfect temperature with the LGSK, these distant dreams are now a reality.”
A solid-steak hard drive allows the LGSK to retain up to 5000 individual “Diner Profiles,” including temperature and slice width preferences, which it automatically loads in ahead of time. “The LGSK is the first knife to become its own social media platform,” Rouch proudly adds.
As always, there were hiccups on the path to greatness. “Early LGSK prototypes had their lasers calibrated incorrectly,” Rouch admits. “The beams were so hot they left unintentional sear marks on test-steaks. I’m not sure why we chose Wagyu cuts for testing but we left a lot of good meat on the cutting room floor, so to speak.”
Another early obstacle was the question of power. “The LGSK has more electronics packed into its compact frame than most laptops.” Eventually a battery pack was designed that could fit into the pommel, and be recharged with the included USB-C cable. “We’ve more than tripled the battery life from early prototypes, and I’m proud to reveal that, from a full charge, the LGSK will be able to tactically prepare meat in the harshest conditions imaginable for upwards of 8-11 minutes,” Rouch reveals. Early adopters have reported lights flickering on their block when the LGSK is plugged in, but, as Rouch says: “That’s a feature, not a bug. When your neighbors see that flicker they’ll know that Operator-approved Filet Mignon is about to hit the plate.”
Knife in Featured Image: KnivesShipFree R&D Laser-Guided Steak Knife
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